everything around you will become supersized,

i am beyond bored. i've got my conditional offer, now i want my loan, and to just pack up and leave. i'll live in a little flat, hopefully with tom, surrounded by vintage clothes and furniture, looking like something straight out of apartamento magazine.

my mum's taking my shopping soon, seeming she's saving so much money now i don't live there anymore, it's only right she spends it on me, ha! i think we'll be spending most of the trip in topshop, after doing a little online shopping beforehand.

currently listening to:
digitalism, pogo.

she's elusive, and i'm awake.

so, another little update from moi!

i've just received a letter saying i've got an unconditional offer from the university i want to go to, to do fashion media and promotion! so very excited. my laptop is now fixed, and so i am spending the entire night on it. and my style at the moment is 'chavvy chic', which yes, i did just invent.

i want this entiree outfit. so far, i have the glasses.

Describe your personal style: indie, vintage, scruffy, modern.

What are the staples in your wardrobe? black tights, stirrup leggings, dresses, big cardigans, brogues, one black coat, vests, monochrome colours.

What's your signature look? messy hair, bare face and bright lips, monochrome basics, prints, never wearing jeans!

What inspires you? the people i see, although never those in real life.

Who is your fashion muse? i honestly don't have one.

Favorite purchase of all time? my vintage topshop heels, motel dress, vintage satchel.

Biggest splurge? i never, ever splurge, i'm far too skint.

Beauty routine? foundation, ysl touche eclat, dior blusher, mascara, vaseline.

What jewelry do you never take off? my opal and sapphire ring i inherited from my grandma.

What are you wishing for? a record player, a typewriter, to be going to university now, and lots of dolla.

What are your obsessions? overpriced fashion magazines, online shopping and selling.

you are the bluest light,

the past few weeks have been stressful. i've had difficulty sleeping, and i've been reduced to tears practically every single day, because of coursework, exams, and arguments with tom. he's got a new house now, and i'm practically going to be living there, which i think will actually improve our relationship. when we stayed at chris and ash's without them from christmas day to new years eve, we didn't argue at all, and for some reason it's only when we're with other people that we do.

anyway, this is only a short entry, because i have to tidy my room, rearrange my interview because surrey have still not got back to me, do some revision, english coursework, and then go and help everyone move later.

love, catherine.
xoxo

wow, another post. this is pretty good for me.

since last thursday i haven't been in school. i've led in bed, or been at chris and ash's with tom, every single day. doing work, but still. this whole stress thing is really starting to affect me. i'm tired all throughout the day, and then when it comes to time to go to sleep, i can't. i stay awake until at least two a.m, which really is something for me as i'm usually falling asleep by half ten. and then when it gets to getting up, i'm amazingly tired, and i can't bring myself to get up. more than twice this week, the thought of going to college has reduced me to tears. and usually, i enjoy it so much, i love seeing my friends and i love the majority of my lessons. :/ we broke up today, and i spent it in bed, watching sex and the city when i should really have been doing coursework, or at least going to school.

tom's gone to portsmouth until christmas eve, so that gives me time to do absssoluteeely nothing, except buy christmas presents, make the scrapbook i'm giving tom for christmas, and do revision and finish coursework. so i guess that seems like quite a lot..

but yeah. i bought this dress today from my grandad, who just gave me money for christmas. call me lame, but as soon as i saw it on diana vickers i've wanted it ever since, aha!


love, catherine.

it's been seven hours, and fifteen days,

so, i haven't written in a longgg time, again. everything's going generally well.

i'm just waiting for christmas, really. it's two weeks of college until the holidays, and i wish it would come around now. i've got three pieces of coursework in before i finish, and despite not feeling especially stressed, i am. i've got a twitch, which i am LOVING (:/) and i'm grinding my teeth loudly every night, which tom is loving. he wakes me up every single night telling me to stop it, i think i'm going to have to get some mouth guard fitted, which i'm not looking forward to.

but really, everything's not going fantasticly well at the moment. i've got all this school work to do, and me and tom have either really good days with each other, or really bad days. one minute, we'll be acting absolutely in love, and the next acting like we're on the jerge of breaking up, which can't really be helping with my 'stress'. i've got far too much on my mind, and i'm sick of this routine.

tom asked me to move in with him, and i really, really want to, especially seeming there's no guarantee he's moving down south with me next year, as he's looking into going to university again.

and speaking of that, i've got one offer from southampton, and an interview with northbrook college, for fashion journalism and fashion media and promotion. i'm dyiiinggg for my first and second choices to respond!

i think i'll go and sort my clothes out now/files/do some work/online shopping for christmas.
too much to do :/

love,
xoxo

all you need is love,

aha, he said it!

it's everywhere i look,

all over the television, all over magazines, the words on my walls, on the art work i chose to put up there. it's in the music, it's on the lips of my friends who have been together for two months. yet me, i'm still waiting for the three little words that refuse to appear from my boyfriend's lips, who i have been with for seven months.

and now, after writing this, he comes round, which i expect him to be coming home after i've been alone all day waiting for him to come round at work, saying he's out with friends who he's now spent the past three nights with. and because, i can't rant to him or anyone else, i'll do it here.

he talks all the time of different parts of me being his, or if a boy comes along who might just happen to look my way, i'm tom's, not his. yet, i feel he can never truely be mine because he is so preoccupied. whilst we were away in portsmouth, we had an argument, of which i felt my side was perfectly reasonable, that i wanted to spend some time alone with him. yes, we spent alone time yesterday but it was my birthday, so really he had to. but in portsmouth, he was constantly wanting to rush off to other people's houses, which half of the time he didn't even introduce me to the person, which just made this whole other world of southerners, weed, computer games, and whatever else these people are interested in and i'm not, even worse. i sat there, wondering why i travelled for thirteen hours to come and see me, to see in some person's house, being ignored.

and then, yesterday at these friend's houses, he talks about next year. next year was supposed to be me moving away to university, which will be in london, which made him think of the idea of him moving down there too and living with friends. i suggested us living together, and he agreed, which made the deal seem real, as if it was going to happen. perhaps maybe i just got my hopes up too high, because now it's, he's off to university somewhere, and even inviting his friends to come down and live with us. i know, it's perfectly acceptable to not want to move away from friends. but to me, next year was about me, and tom. moving away together, if we were still together, taking a really big step in our relationship. and now, it's about, me, tom, and his friends, of which he never even considered my opinion in the matter.

honestly, i don't really know why he's with me. he's not told me he loves me, he seems so preoccupied the majority of the time, he wouldn't even notice if i wasn't there. i don't think he even knows to be honest. y'know, it may seem like a big deal, but i need reassurance. the past boyfriends i've had have told me they love me within the first month, or even before we were together, which may seem a little unrealistic, but we were together for two months, and the other guy, it was real. i don't understand how after seven months together, he can't have said it. he told me, after stupidly getting upset about it, that he needs everything to be sorted in his life before he can say it, which i didn't understand at all but i accepted. but, i've come to realise, his life is never going to be sorted. he can never have a period of time where i'm the only thing involved. this half term, we were meant to be going away together, only somewhere in england, but together. but where did we end up, portsmouth. when i suggested a trip to london in summer, where did we end up, but portsmouth. he cares so much about seeing other people, which there is nothing wrong with. but he seems to never have the time to care about seeing me. i'm the thing he goes to spend with, and wakes up with, and the only real time we end up spending alone together is in bed,

everyone sees us as the perfect couple, all my friends, everyone. yet i'm coming to see, we're not. not at all. i love him, so much, and i can't even say it, and all i ever say is yelling at him for the things he has and hasn't done, which would all be made better by telling him this. but i can't, because he won't say it in return. i don't know what to do, because it's never going to change. he simply does not have the time for me, it seems. but i don't want to lose him.

i've been on top of the world,

since about six months ago, marking the first time i laid eyes on you.

so, last time i wrote, all those months away, i talked of how i wanted to move away for university and couldn't wait until i could, but how much i'd miss tom. well, a few weeks ago tom mentioned moving down south when i move, but with no real details. then yesterday, we were on the phone talking of how we miss each other, as he's just gone to portsmouth for three weeks, but he said we'd be fine next year 'cause he's been offered places to live down south so he'd be able to see me more often. so, as we were talking about this, i said, 'could you not just move in with me?', and he agreeeeed! haha, i feel so, so lame typing this into an internet site, but i was just so happy when he said this i felt the need to. i mean, it just shows how serious this relationship is, despite the fact we've only been together for 6 months.

our relationship is so different to the majority of people my age. my friends, they go around saying they 'love' their boyfriends, and two minutes later they'll be slagging him off, complaining about the stupidest things ever, laughing about the pathetic arguments they've been having. me and tom have never had a serious argument that wasn't more than a silly little contrasting in opinions discussion.

aaaahh i'm so happy :)

a silent smile,

i suppose the 'i'll write in a few days' just failed really. i'm almost three weeks into my summer holidays, which is half way, and i've not really stopped. the first week i just spent time with tom, and then went to scotland, and i spent the whole past week with him until he dropped me off at home yesterday, kissing me on my doorstep.

i'll write more often, or i'll try to the next few weeks, i just feel like i never have any time, and i just end up repeating everything i've been doing, which isn't especially interesting to do. i wish i could write a deep, meaningful blog about my feelings, but i can't, because i don't feel much right now except complete happiness.

actually, i do have one complaint, one feeling other than that..
a longing to get out of preston, grow up, have my own apartment, my own money, be independant. i suppose i've started off feeling like this after being with tom, who's twenty two and lives miles and miles away from his family with all his friends. i mean, that's great but i don't even want that. i've lived in preston for seventeen years, and it is not me, at all.. it's full of 'chavs', primark, cheap people, cheap things, lager louts, a place where anyone with a slight bit of individuality gets laughed at or gets strange looks. in a way, i cannot wait until i can go to university, because it'll be in surrey or london, or at least down south, and i'll be moving away from everything that i dislike about preston, or lancashire in general. i know, i'll miss my family, my friends, tom if we're still together, but i'll be embarking on a whole new experience that i feel i really, really need.

you're winning me over, with everything you say,

i haven't posted in about a month, i've barely been on the internet in this time, but i promise i'll start writing more after this, it is almost summer soon, in two weeks time, so then i'll be freeee! and have lots to write about. i've just been insanely busy the past 4 weeks with college, tom getting home, starting coursework and art projects, it's been really quite stressful.

and i'm not going to do a blog writing about everything that has been and gone, so..
i'll write in a few days or so :)
love, catherine