Thursday, 30 October 2008

it's everywhere i look,

all over the television, all over magazines, the words on my walls, on the art work i chose to put up there. it's in the music, it's on the lips of my friends who have been together for two months. yet me, i'm still waiting for the three little words that refuse to appear from my boyfriend's lips, who i have been with for seven months.

and now, after writing this, he comes round, which i expect him to be coming home after i've been alone all day waiting for him to come round at work, saying he's out with friends who he's now spent the past three nights with. and because, i can't rant to him or anyone else, i'll do it here.

he talks all the time of different parts of me being his, or if a boy comes along who might just happen to look my way, i'm tom's, not his. yet, i feel he can never truely be mine because he is so preoccupied. whilst we were away in portsmouth, we had an argument, of which i felt my side was perfectly reasonable, that i wanted to spend some time alone with him. yes, we spent alone time yesterday but it was my birthday, so really he had to. but in portsmouth, he was constantly wanting to rush off to other people's houses, which half of the time he didn't even introduce me to the person, which just made this whole other world of southerners, weed, computer games, and whatever else these people are interested in and i'm not, even worse. i sat there, wondering why i travelled for thirteen hours to come and see me, to see in some person's house, being ignored.

and then, yesterday at these friend's houses, he talks about next year. next year was supposed to be me moving away to university, which will be in london, which made him think of the idea of him moving down there too and living with friends. i suggested us living together, and he agreed, which made the deal seem real, as if it was going to happen. perhaps maybe i just got my hopes up too high, because now it's, he's off to university somewhere, and even inviting his friends to come down and live with us. i know, it's perfectly acceptable to not want to move away from friends. but to me, next year was about me, and tom. moving away together, if we were still together, taking a really big step in our relationship. and now, it's about, me, tom, and his friends, of which he never even considered my opinion in the matter.

honestly, i don't really know why he's with me. he's not told me he loves me, he seems so preoccupied the majority of the time, he wouldn't even notice if i wasn't there. i don't think he even knows to be honest. y'know, it may seem like a big deal, but i need reassurance. the past boyfriends i've had have told me they love me within the first month, or even before we were together, which may seem a little unrealistic, but we were together for two months, and the other guy, it was real. i don't understand how after seven months together, he can't have said it. he told me, after stupidly getting upset about it, that he needs everything to be sorted in his life before he can say it, which i didn't understand at all but i accepted. but, i've come to realise, his life is never going to be sorted. he can never have a period of time where i'm the only thing involved. this half term, we were meant to be going away together, only somewhere in england, but together. but where did we end up, portsmouth. when i suggested a trip to london in summer, where did we end up, but portsmouth. he cares so much about seeing other people, which there is nothing wrong with. but he seems to never have the time to care about seeing me. i'm the thing he goes to spend with, and wakes up with, and the only real time we end up spending alone together is in bed,

everyone sees us as the perfect couple, all my friends, everyone. yet i'm coming to see, we're not. not at all. i love him, so much, and i can't even say it, and all i ever say is yelling at him for the things he has and hasn't done, which would all be made better by telling him this. but i can't, because he won't say it in return. i don't know what to do, because it's never going to change. he simply does not have the time for me, it seems. but i don't want to lose him.

1 comment:

Leonora Haig said...

hello kindred spirit.