made-up love song #43,

i guess it's about time i wrote in here, seeming i haven't for.. over a week now? about four posts in and i'm already getting sloppy.

so, as you know, well, no you don't. i had my four last exams on monday, media and history. media wasn't too bad, but seeming the grade boundaries are so close together, you can drop six marks and get a C, so i don't think i've done too impressively on that. and history, oh dear god. i've failed, completely. and everytime i think about it i get a horrible feeling in my stomach, because i know how badly i've done. so i'll be retaking them in christmas/summer :/ which won't be too good.

but anyway, so that happened, and i felt horrible. but then, tom picked me up from my house at 9pm on monday after taking another trip to eddy, and we set off for his. without going into major details, i was sick, took lots, had an amazing time with tom and all his friends, he kept on complimenting me, along with his friends telling me i'm the best girlfriend he's had, and he agreeing, with just made me feel so accepted and so nice :) so monday was just amazing, went to bed with tom about 2pm on tuesday for a few hours, woke up and did lots for him, due to him not being able to walk from the night before's activities, ahah. but i didn't mind at all. :) tuesday we just stayed up talking more, drank some beers, watched a film, and woke up about 10am on wednesday to a bomb site surrounding us, his room was such a mess. so we tidied up a bit, went back to bed for a while, both had showers and went shopping to asda for food and drink for the barbeque we were going to have that night. had the bbq, more people came over once again, i got drunk, tom didn't really drink because of the state he was still in from tuesday and wednesday, and we actually had a reasonably early night! thursday, we woke up, chilled for most of the day, and tom drove me to the trafford centre, where i bought a new white quilted bag, just until i can afford the chanel 2.55 bag, a new top and the 'fashion now 2' book from selfridges, which i enjoyed :) we went home, watched tv, and had another early night. friday, we went into bolton, got a nice ice cream and walked about mainly, and bought tom things that he needed for going home to portsmouth for the week. and i got sad, the entire day, because it meant the four or five days we'd spent together were coming to an end and i wouldn't get to see him for about ten days. he drove me home, we took about an hour and a half to properly say goodbye, and i cried. CRIED. i knew i i would, as much as i didn't want to infront of tom, but i did, ahaha. he told me off for 'faking crying to get him to stay', but i knew he didn't want to leave as well, he kept trying to drive off with me still in the car.

whilst at the party on monday, despite whatever i was taking, i felt so close to him, like i wanted to scream my feelings to him. ash sat down with us, and asked us if we'd told each other we loved each other yet, and we said no, because we haven't, obviously. tom said 'love is a strong word, and it's either thrown around too much or not enough and i don't want to be one of those people', which basically translated to me that he doesn't love me. and maybe it's because i get far too attached too easy, or the age difference, or what, but i felt at that moment like i loved him. and i'm still getting those feelings now, at this very moment i could tell him that, i had such a huge urge to tell him as he was leaving on friday that i love him. i've never been in a relationship with someone as old as him, i've only dated guys around two years older than me at the most, and the majority of them told me they loved me after around a week, which they clearly didn't feel at all and just thought they loved me. and the two guys i have been in love with were in difficult situations with so it was quicker than the one i'm in with tom. but i've met him and liked him for more than ten weeks now, and we kissed the first time we ever met, and we've been seeing each other since then until the 20th may, which i know is only.. just over two weeks. so in that sense, i feel it is too short of a time to tell him that? aaahhh i don't know, all i know is that i do feel that way, and i miss him like hell already, and i want him home.

i don't know, it's just the whole situation i love. i love the fact he has his own house, so when i go there, there's no interruptions, no parents being nosy, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, no problem about it. and how mature he is, how different he is to the rest of the guys i've dated. honestly, i'd move in with him right now if it was an ideal situation, but it clearly isn't, me going to college in lancaster, which is an hour train journey away. and i know my work would suffer, which really, it can't get much worse.

i've even got so attached, i've started thinking about next year, and how, if i get into the fashion university i want to go to in surrey, how amazing it would be if he moved there with me. i mean, i shouldn't be thinking about that yet! we've been official for not even three weeks! dearie me, i need to slow down and get some perspective i think. as much as i love the feelings i've got right now, i don't, because he doesn't share them with me.

ahhh i miss him :/ see! this is exactly what i mean, i was with him 48 hours ago! and i miss him!
how annoying

anyway, to get off the subject of tom that i appear to have just written a lootttttt about, i've got college tomorrow, which i'm not looking forward to, because it will involve talking to teachers about exams, which i don't want to dooo! and i'm going for a chinese tonight, watching corrie, big brother, and sunday night project, and then most likely getting an early night so i can get up nice and early tomorrow for college.

i'm still counting down the days 'til he's home
eight days to go..
love, catherine.

elle est,

i'm a firm believer in the thought that everything happens for a reason, and i really believe in karma. believing in this results in the idea that bad things happen to bad people. so today, my bag was stolen. my mother and i were putting flowers on my grandma's grave, a nice, caring thing to do. and whilst we were doing this, despite only being gone from the car for less than five minutes, some yob smashed my mother's car window, and stole my handbag, containing my ipod, phone, purse with £110 in it, bank card, four history books, cigarettes, a ten bag of weed, revision notes, ysl make-up, pencil case, and a top. honestly, i cried for about an hour, not only because i'd lost the majority of my most prized possessions, as well as a bag i was in love with, i'd caused my mum's car to be broken into.

so after this, i thought, as pathetic and cliche of people to think after this sort of thing, why me? what had i done to deserve this, if everything happens for a reason, and what goes around comes around?

and then it just made me think of how despicable the public of the majority of england are today. tom's car was almost stolen on friday, and then two days later about £500 of my possessions were stolen. i honestly feel lost without them, and i hate not being able to contact tom, especially today. we spoke on the phone for about an hour before, but i need to speak to him tonight, i need to just be able to text him and complain about history and media revision getting me down and for him to cheer me up. i've been revising for quite a few hours now and nothing is going in, so i'm going to go upstairs, to the quiet of my room and do more, probably until about 12 o'clock.

the only thing that has kept me going throughout this weekend, and the 15 and a half hours that i've worked, which the money has just gone to that bastard who robbed me, is the thought of tomorrow night. tom is picking me up around 7ish, but i have to pack and have a shower beforehand, we are going to meet eddy, and then it's five days of me and tom, and messy, messy times.

love, catherine.