wow, another post. this is pretty good for me.

since last thursday i haven't been in school. i've led in bed, or been at chris and ash's with tom, every single day. doing work, but still. this whole stress thing is really starting to affect me. i'm tired all throughout the day, and then when it comes to time to go to sleep, i can't. i stay awake until at least two a.m, which really is something for me as i'm usually falling asleep by half ten. and then when it gets to getting up, i'm amazingly tired, and i can't bring myself to get up. more than twice this week, the thought of going to college has reduced me to tears. and usually, i enjoy it so much, i love seeing my friends and i love the majority of my lessons. :/ we broke up today, and i spent it in bed, watching sex and the city when i should really have been doing coursework, or at least going to school.

tom's gone to portsmouth until christmas eve, so that gives me time to do absssoluteeely nothing, except buy christmas presents, make the scrapbook i'm giving tom for christmas, and do revision and finish coursework. so i guess that seems like quite a lot..

but yeah. i bought this dress today from my grandad, who just gave me money for christmas. call me lame, but as soon as i saw it on diana vickers i've wanted it ever since, aha!


love, catherine.

it's been seven hours, and fifteen days,

so, i haven't written in a longgg time, again. everything's going generally well.

i'm just waiting for christmas, really. it's two weeks of college until the holidays, and i wish it would come around now. i've got three pieces of coursework in before i finish, and despite not feeling especially stressed, i am. i've got a twitch, which i am LOVING (:/) and i'm grinding my teeth loudly every night, which tom is loving. he wakes me up every single night telling me to stop it, i think i'm going to have to get some mouth guard fitted, which i'm not looking forward to.

but really, everything's not going fantasticly well at the moment. i've got all this school work to do, and me and tom have either really good days with each other, or really bad days. one minute, we'll be acting absolutely in love, and the next acting like we're on the jerge of breaking up, which can't really be helping with my 'stress'. i've got far too much on my mind, and i'm sick of this routine.

tom asked me to move in with him, and i really, really want to, especially seeming there's no guarantee he's moving down south with me next year, as he's looking into going to university again.

and speaking of that, i've got one offer from southampton, and an interview with northbrook college, for fashion journalism and fashion media and promotion. i'm dyiiinggg for my first and second choices to respond!

i think i'll go and sort my clothes out now/files/do some work/online shopping for christmas.
too much to do :/

love,
xoxo

all you need is love,

aha, he said it!

it's everywhere i look,

all over the television, all over magazines, the words on my walls, on the art work i chose to put up there. it's in the music, it's on the lips of my friends who have been together for two months. yet me, i'm still waiting for the three little words that refuse to appear from my boyfriend's lips, who i have been with for seven months.

and now, after writing this, he comes round, which i expect him to be coming home after i've been alone all day waiting for him to come round at work, saying he's out with friends who he's now spent the past three nights with. and because, i can't rant to him or anyone else, i'll do it here.

he talks all the time of different parts of me being his, or if a boy comes along who might just happen to look my way, i'm tom's, not his. yet, i feel he can never truely be mine because he is so preoccupied. whilst we were away in portsmouth, we had an argument, of which i felt my side was perfectly reasonable, that i wanted to spend some time alone with him. yes, we spent alone time yesterday but it was my birthday, so really he had to. but in portsmouth, he was constantly wanting to rush off to other people's houses, which half of the time he didn't even introduce me to the person, which just made this whole other world of southerners, weed, computer games, and whatever else these people are interested in and i'm not, even worse. i sat there, wondering why i travelled for thirteen hours to come and see me, to see in some person's house, being ignored.

and then, yesterday at these friend's houses, he talks about next year. next year was supposed to be me moving away to university, which will be in london, which made him think of the idea of him moving down there too and living with friends. i suggested us living together, and he agreed, which made the deal seem real, as if it was going to happen. perhaps maybe i just got my hopes up too high, because now it's, he's off to university somewhere, and even inviting his friends to come down and live with us. i know, it's perfectly acceptable to not want to move away from friends. but to me, next year was about me, and tom. moving away together, if we were still together, taking a really big step in our relationship. and now, it's about, me, tom, and his friends, of which he never even considered my opinion in the matter.

honestly, i don't really know why he's with me. he's not told me he loves me, he seems so preoccupied the majority of the time, he wouldn't even notice if i wasn't there. i don't think he even knows to be honest. y'know, it may seem like a big deal, but i need reassurance. the past boyfriends i've had have told me they love me within the first month, or even before we were together, which may seem a little unrealistic, but we were together for two months, and the other guy, it was real. i don't understand how after seven months together, he can't have said it. he told me, after stupidly getting upset about it, that he needs everything to be sorted in his life before he can say it, which i didn't understand at all but i accepted. but, i've come to realise, his life is never going to be sorted. he can never have a period of time where i'm the only thing involved. this half term, we were meant to be going away together, only somewhere in england, but together. but where did we end up, portsmouth. when i suggested a trip to london in summer, where did we end up, but portsmouth. he cares so much about seeing other people, which there is nothing wrong with. but he seems to never have the time to care about seeing me. i'm the thing he goes to spend with, and wakes up with, and the only real time we end up spending alone together is in bed,

everyone sees us as the perfect couple, all my friends, everyone. yet i'm coming to see, we're not. not at all. i love him, so much, and i can't even say it, and all i ever say is yelling at him for the things he has and hasn't done, which would all be made better by telling him this. but i can't, because he won't say it in return. i don't know what to do, because it's never going to change. he simply does not have the time for me, it seems. but i don't want to lose him.

i've been on top of the world,

since about six months ago, marking the first time i laid eyes on you.

so, last time i wrote, all those months away, i talked of how i wanted to move away for university and couldn't wait until i could, but how much i'd miss tom. well, a few weeks ago tom mentioned moving down south when i move, but with no real details. then yesterday, we were on the phone talking of how we miss each other, as he's just gone to portsmouth for three weeks, but he said we'd be fine next year 'cause he's been offered places to live down south so he'd be able to see me more often. so, as we were talking about this, i said, 'could you not just move in with me?', and he agreeeeed! haha, i feel so, so lame typing this into an internet site, but i was just so happy when he said this i felt the need to. i mean, it just shows how serious this relationship is, despite the fact we've only been together for 6 months.

our relationship is so different to the majority of people my age. my friends, they go around saying they 'love' their boyfriends, and two minutes later they'll be slagging him off, complaining about the stupidest things ever, laughing about the pathetic arguments they've been having. me and tom have never had a serious argument that wasn't more than a silly little contrasting in opinions discussion.

aaaahh i'm so happy :)

a silent smile,

i suppose the 'i'll write in a few days' just failed really. i'm almost three weeks into my summer holidays, which is half way, and i've not really stopped. the first week i just spent time with tom, and then went to scotland, and i spent the whole past week with him until he dropped me off at home yesterday, kissing me on my doorstep.

i'll write more often, or i'll try to the next few weeks, i just feel like i never have any time, and i just end up repeating everything i've been doing, which isn't especially interesting to do. i wish i could write a deep, meaningful blog about my feelings, but i can't, because i don't feel much right now except complete happiness.

actually, i do have one complaint, one feeling other than that..
a longing to get out of preston, grow up, have my own apartment, my own money, be independant. i suppose i've started off feeling like this after being with tom, who's twenty two and lives miles and miles away from his family with all his friends. i mean, that's great but i don't even want that. i've lived in preston for seventeen years, and it is not me, at all.. it's full of 'chavs', primark, cheap people, cheap things, lager louts, a place where anyone with a slight bit of individuality gets laughed at or gets strange looks. in a way, i cannot wait until i can go to university, because it'll be in surrey or london, or at least down south, and i'll be moving away from everything that i dislike about preston, or lancashire in general. i know, i'll miss my family, my friends, tom if we're still together, but i'll be embarking on a whole new experience that i feel i really, really need.

you're winning me over, with everything you say,

i haven't posted in about a month, i've barely been on the internet in this time, but i promise i'll start writing more after this, it is almost summer soon, in two weeks time, so then i'll be freeee! and have lots to write about. i've just been insanely busy the past 4 weeks with college, tom getting home, starting coursework and art projects, it's been really quite stressful.

and i'm not going to do a blog writing about everything that has been and gone, so..
i'll write in a few days or so :)
love, catherine

made-up love song #43,

i guess it's about time i wrote in here, seeming i haven't for.. over a week now? about four posts in and i'm already getting sloppy.

so, as you know, well, no you don't. i had my four last exams on monday, media and history. media wasn't too bad, but seeming the grade boundaries are so close together, you can drop six marks and get a C, so i don't think i've done too impressively on that. and history, oh dear god. i've failed, completely. and everytime i think about it i get a horrible feeling in my stomach, because i know how badly i've done. so i'll be retaking them in christmas/summer :/ which won't be too good.

but anyway, so that happened, and i felt horrible. but then, tom picked me up from my house at 9pm on monday after taking another trip to eddy, and we set off for his. without going into major details, i was sick, took lots, had an amazing time with tom and all his friends, he kept on complimenting me, along with his friends telling me i'm the best girlfriend he's had, and he agreeing, with just made me feel so accepted and so nice :) so monday was just amazing, went to bed with tom about 2pm on tuesday for a few hours, woke up and did lots for him, due to him not being able to walk from the night before's activities, ahah. but i didn't mind at all. :) tuesday we just stayed up talking more, drank some beers, watched a film, and woke up about 10am on wednesday to a bomb site surrounding us, his room was such a mess. so we tidied up a bit, went back to bed for a while, both had showers and went shopping to asda for food and drink for the barbeque we were going to have that night. had the bbq, more people came over once again, i got drunk, tom didn't really drink because of the state he was still in from tuesday and wednesday, and we actually had a reasonably early night! thursday, we woke up, chilled for most of the day, and tom drove me to the trafford centre, where i bought a new white quilted bag, just until i can afford the chanel 2.55 bag, a new top and the 'fashion now 2' book from selfridges, which i enjoyed :) we went home, watched tv, and had another early night. friday, we went into bolton, got a nice ice cream and walked about mainly, and bought tom things that he needed for going home to portsmouth for the week. and i got sad, the entire day, because it meant the four or five days we'd spent together were coming to an end and i wouldn't get to see him for about ten days. he drove me home, we took about an hour and a half to properly say goodbye, and i cried. CRIED. i knew i i would, as much as i didn't want to infront of tom, but i did, ahaha. he told me off for 'faking crying to get him to stay', but i knew he didn't want to leave as well, he kept trying to drive off with me still in the car.

whilst at the party on monday, despite whatever i was taking, i felt so close to him, like i wanted to scream my feelings to him. ash sat down with us, and asked us if we'd told each other we loved each other yet, and we said no, because we haven't, obviously. tom said 'love is a strong word, and it's either thrown around too much or not enough and i don't want to be one of those people', which basically translated to me that he doesn't love me. and maybe it's because i get far too attached too easy, or the age difference, or what, but i felt at that moment like i loved him. and i'm still getting those feelings now, at this very moment i could tell him that, i had such a huge urge to tell him as he was leaving on friday that i love him. i've never been in a relationship with someone as old as him, i've only dated guys around two years older than me at the most, and the majority of them told me they loved me after around a week, which they clearly didn't feel at all and just thought they loved me. and the two guys i have been in love with were in difficult situations with so it was quicker than the one i'm in with tom. but i've met him and liked him for more than ten weeks now, and we kissed the first time we ever met, and we've been seeing each other since then until the 20th may, which i know is only.. just over two weeks. so in that sense, i feel it is too short of a time to tell him that? aaahhh i don't know, all i know is that i do feel that way, and i miss him like hell already, and i want him home.

i don't know, it's just the whole situation i love. i love the fact he has his own house, so when i go there, there's no interruptions, no parents being nosy, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, no problem about it. and how mature he is, how different he is to the rest of the guys i've dated. honestly, i'd move in with him right now if it was an ideal situation, but it clearly isn't, me going to college in lancaster, which is an hour train journey away. and i know my work would suffer, which really, it can't get much worse.

i've even got so attached, i've started thinking about next year, and how, if i get into the fashion university i want to go to in surrey, how amazing it would be if he moved there with me. i mean, i shouldn't be thinking about that yet! we've been official for not even three weeks! dearie me, i need to slow down and get some perspective i think. as much as i love the feelings i've got right now, i don't, because he doesn't share them with me.

ahhh i miss him :/ see! this is exactly what i mean, i was with him 48 hours ago! and i miss him!
how annoying

anyway, to get off the subject of tom that i appear to have just written a lootttttt about, i've got college tomorrow, which i'm not looking forward to, because it will involve talking to teachers about exams, which i don't want to dooo! and i'm going for a chinese tonight, watching corrie, big brother, and sunday night project, and then most likely getting an early night so i can get up nice and early tomorrow for college.

i'm still counting down the days 'til he's home
eight days to go..
love, catherine.

elle est,

i'm a firm believer in the thought that everything happens for a reason, and i really believe in karma. believing in this results in the idea that bad things happen to bad people. so today, my bag was stolen. my mother and i were putting flowers on my grandma's grave, a nice, caring thing to do. and whilst we were doing this, despite only being gone from the car for less than five minutes, some yob smashed my mother's car window, and stole my handbag, containing my ipod, phone, purse with £110 in it, bank card, four history books, cigarettes, a ten bag of weed, revision notes, ysl make-up, pencil case, and a top. honestly, i cried for about an hour, not only because i'd lost the majority of my most prized possessions, as well as a bag i was in love with, i'd caused my mum's car to be broken into.

so after this, i thought, as pathetic and cliche of people to think after this sort of thing, why me? what had i done to deserve this, if everything happens for a reason, and what goes around comes around?

and then it just made me think of how despicable the public of the majority of england are today. tom's car was almost stolen on friday, and then two days later about £500 of my possessions were stolen. i honestly feel lost without them, and i hate not being able to contact tom, especially today. we spoke on the phone for about an hour before, but i need to speak to him tonight, i need to just be able to text him and complain about history and media revision getting me down and for him to cheer me up. i've been revising for quite a few hours now and nothing is going in, so i'm going to go upstairs, to the quiet of my room and do more, probably until about 12 o'clock.

the only thing that has kept me going throughout this weekend, and the 15 and a half hours that i've worked, which the money has just gone to that bastard who robbed me, is the thought of tomorrow night. tom is picking me up around 7ish, but i have to pack and have a shower beforehand, we are going to meet eddy, and then it's five days of me and tom, and messy, messy times.

love, catherine.

lover,

as much as i honestly do love the internet, it needs to go away. if i'm not writing on here, i'm on myspace, or facebook, or internet shopping. not only do i not have the time to do this, and right now should be desperately trying to cram media and history into my brain, right now i don't have the money to be internet shopping either. i'm so incredibly tempted to buy a skirt from american apparel, but i know i should save my money seeming i'm going to a five-day party next week and need lots and lots of ££££. and! i'm missing hollyoaks right now.

anyway, tom came over, enjoyed his meal, we went to the pub, had a nice night. i went to his thursday, after meeting eddy, and drove about, drank a bit, and he took me to the sex and the city movie, which i thought was really nice of him, seeming a) he is a boy b) he clearly doesn't enjoy sex and the city and c) i'm sure he would much rather have just been at home doing something else. also, he paid, and for drinks as well! so, i felt very happy, and then the film was just incredible. throughout, i was gasping, biting my nails, close to tears, or beaming with happiness. it honestly was just everything i expected. the wardrobe, especially, was breathtaking, fantastic. some outfits were a little, 'eerrhh?', but i believe having style is not following the trends, it's having the confidence and esteem to wear anything you like and pull it off, despite what others may think when they see it.


afterwards, was slightly strange. probably just due to the high love content in the film, i felt so close to tom. and i felt, like i should tell him something. but then i doubted whether i should, seeming we've been 'official' for just over a week, and seeing each other for two months. and i know, i know it's far too early to even mention the L word, but recently i'm finding it difficult to avoid despite my own doubts anyway. aaahhh! boys eh.

i stayed at his thursday night, and got woken up to chris and joel telling us his car had been broken into at 6.45 am, which was quite horrible. it seems people had tried to hot wire it, and either gotten disturbed or just given up, because they obviously didn't manage to steal the car. they did manage to steal some quite important things to tom though, but he's fine with it. so he took the day off work and drove me home to work, where i went, and where i have been this morning for six hours.

now, hollyoaks is calling and so is revision, as much as i really, really do not want to do any, i know i need to a lot tonight or i will be crying and panicking tomorrow, haha.

most likely won't be writing much over the next week, working and revising more tomorrow, six hours of exams on monday, and then i'm at toms until friday which will be super :) then he's going to portsmouth though, which is crap.

p.s. looking forward to this tonight!

this is an emergency,

despite setting my alarm for eight a.m. today, i woke up at one, not even then. and despite thinking i could sit down and do an amazing amount of revision today, i've done none.

tom is coming over later, and i'm making him a vegan meal, with chips incase he doesn't like it, haha. hence, i need to get a shower, and get ready, and do more revision before he arrives around 7.30, by which time the meal needs to be ready also. we're going to the pub after, and i reeeeeally want to wear my new purple peep toe heels, but they're a little inappropriate for a quiet, country pub.

i've seen an outfit sarah jessica parker wearing in the new SATC movie, that i want to recreate, involving a long cardigan, over the knee socks, shoe boots, a skirt and a plain top, but i'm having difficulty, despite it sounding so simple.

i think that's my plans for tomorrow, going to see that movie with tom, who actually agreed to go and see it without me falling at his knees begging or bribing him with sexual favours, haha. and to pay a trip to oxfam vintage after seeing far too many items i neeeeeeeeeed after my visit on saturday. i'd also enjoy a new magazine, or two, or three..

love, catherine.

she bangs the drums,

so, another journal failed, another one created.
first entries are always, nonsense, really, lacking a point altogether. so i may as well carry on the tradition and make this as pointless as the rest, really.
it's 16.08, i've been home for around seven hours, and have done nothing except read magazines, eat, and create this, before i leave for work at 6.

who knows, perhaps then maybe i'll return with something more decent to talk about.
love, catherine.